We all know couples who use “we” to describe every part of their daily routine or every future plan, sometimes, admittedly, to irritating effect. It turns out there may be an advantage in using the plural pronoun: Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found that spouses who use words such as “we,” “us,” and “our” seemed better able to resolve disputes than couples who relied on individual pronouns—”I,” “me,” and “you.”
In analyzing conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement, the researchers found that the former group—the frequent “we” users—treated each other more positively and showed less physiological stress than the latter group. Frequent use of the individual pronouns was linked to marital dissatisfaction, the study found.
Says co-author and UCB professor Robert Levenson: “Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me.’”
Previous research has shown that using togetherness pronouns versus individual ones was a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. This study takes the earlier findings further by showing how strong the correlation is in more established couples. The older pairs in the study identified more as “we” than did the middle-aged ones, suggesting that facing obstacles and working through challenges together over the long haul may give couples a greater sense of shared identity.